Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Collin's Vague Ramblings' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, May 5th, 2005
9:15 pm	I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it. Your Orgasms Are 80% Great Wow, you're like an Orgasm Olympian! You know what it takes to rock your own world... And you're pretty damn great at rocking your sweetie's body too You know the secret to killer orgasms - go share the wealth! How Good Are Your Orgasms? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva That picture up there is fucking hot. I'm gonna go have myself an orgasm or two to that picture, fucking ouch and a half. Man, I'm so glad when pictures ALUDE to the vagina but don't show it. The vagina is one of those wonderful things on this earth that are really sexy IN CONCEPT. in partice they can be really hot too, as long as you don't actually see it, taste it, or smell it. Of course, as a man you usually have to do all these things anyway. But hey, be a man guys, suck it up. Sex is about exchange and compromise, so just accept it. Plus, you know, fat chicks are great. Just kidding. Never done a fat chick. I should though. But they'd have to be over four hundred pounds. And dead. Hey fuck you man, I don't judge your lifestyle. I'm almost done with the semester, which is cool. It's been kind of stressful. KIND OF. Not horribly, I mean I survived it with minimal fanfare, but there were many stressful moments. Most of these were not related to the academic side of school, but more to having get reaquainted with this school and this town and meet new friends and get used to my old friends and make new friends and etc. and yada, yada, yada. But overall it's been good. I got a short story and a poem accepted to be published in the student literary magazine, signed a lease on my place for next semester, started a band (we'll see how that works out), made a couple new friends, and got laid THREE time. That's like, more than once. More even than two. Man, my penis si getting a work out. You know, "Beautiful" by Christina Ageulira is a good song. And yes, I spelled the whore's name wrong. And yes, I shouldn't refer to her as a whore because she is just a self empowered female. And yes, she is very attractive and I would have sexy intercourse with her. And yes, I am aware of how many sexually transmitted diseases I would then be carrying. And yes, I know that putting quote marks around the title of a song is the incorrect way to cite it. AND I DON'T CARE. I gotta wake up early tomorrow and take Neal to Herin Illinois, a place I have never been to, so he can see some doctor of gayness to cure his faggotry. I'm just kidding, I LOVE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Except faggots. Them gay. Okay, not much else to say. So goodbye everyone. P.S. This is what the alphabet would look like if the letters q and r were removed. (Rest in peace Mitch) Current Mood: content Current Music: Eels - Blinking Lights And Other Revelations (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
11:41 pm	I'm climbing to heaven, one hit at a time. TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey Name: Collin Andrew Bullock Birthday: Febuary 29th, 1984 Birthplace: Tuscon, Arizona Current Location: Carbondale, Illinois Eye Color: Brown Hair Color: Brown Height: Six feet, four inches Right Handed or Left Handed: Right Handed Your Heritage: Irish The Shoes You Wore Today: Busted ass black converse Your Weakness: My insecurity Your Fears: Snakes Your Perfect Pizza: Anchiovies. But there are many other answers that would be as good. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Start my band, play some wonderful shows. Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "The internet is dumb" Thoughts First Waking Up: "Fuck this shit" Your Best Physical Feature: Don't really have one. Your Bedtime: Varies widely. Your Most Missed Memory: That's too personal to share here. Pepsi or Coke: Coke, of course. MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King. Single or Group Dates: Single, although traditional dating has never been something I've been good at. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton. Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla, although I don't really like either very much. Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee, I'm not a fucking fairy. Do you Smoke: Sometimes. I go on and off. Do you Swear: All the time. Do you Sing: Yes, and better then I'm given credit for. Do you Shower Daily: Of course. Have you Been in Love: None of your business. Do you want to go to College: I'm a year away from graduating right now. Do you want to get Married: I would love to, but I'm in no hurry. Do you belive in yourself: More than most people think. Do you get Motion Sickness: No. Do you think you are Attractive: Sometimes, during very weird moments of staring in the mirror. Are you a Health Freak: No, but I do work out reguarly. Do you get along with your Parents: None of your business. Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes, of course. Do you play an Instrument: Guitar, piano a little. In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes. In the past month have you Smoked: Yes. In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yes. In the past month have you gone on a Date: Not really. In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes. In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: No. In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No. In the past month have you been on Stage: Yes, doing stand up. In the past month have you been Dumped: No. In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No. In the past month have you Stolen Anything: No. Ever been Drunk: Yes. Ever been called a Tease: Yes. Ever been Beaten up: Not really. Ever Shoplifted: Yes. How do you want to Die: Being chases off a cliff by topless skateblading supermodels. What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Content What country would you most like to Visit: Japan, but many others would be just as good. In a Boy/Girl.. Favourite Eye Color: Brown Favourite Hair Color: Brown Short or Long Hair: Long Height: Somewhere between 5'5 and 5'10 Weight: Not chubby, but with top and bottom if you know what I mean. Best Clothing Style: My ideal girl would change her clothing style based on where she's going to be and who she will be around. Number of Drugs I have taken: 3 illegal ones. Number of CDs I own: Many. Number of things in my Past I Regret: Exactly two. How the fuck am I supposed to know? CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS! Too many hot girls say they want to go skinny dipping. Or that they're lonely. I WILL FUCK YOU ALL!!! AND CUDDLE IF, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE INTO THAT KINDA GAY SHIT!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Too many hot girls in the world. And I only have one penis. I better get cracking on this one. I'm trying to find a fucking drummer in this town, and it is pissing me off. I found a girl named Nancy to lay bass with me, and we have practiced many times and we got some badass tunes and I can actually kind of sing now. We just gotta find a fucking drummer. We got a practice space and equipment, but without a beat then we all be fucked. Ah well, Allah will provide I suppose. I've plastered fliers everywhere, talked to everyone I know, got my contact information out there working the rounds in the music community as it would be. We'll see. There were two fire alarms pulled in my building today. I'm gonna fucking kill somebody, I swear to god. ' Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Some band on TV that sounds weird but kinda cool (Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
4:33 am	Where have you been my blue eyed son? You Are 48% Femme and 52% Butch! 80 - 100% Femme - You're the girly girl of the century. Or Clay Aiken. 60 - 79% Femme - Girl? Almost certainly. If not, you've got some major man boobs going on. 40 - 59% Femme - Girl or guy? Even your best friends can't figure this one out. 20 - 39% Femme - You are likely male, or the toughest, scariest lesbian around. 0 - 19% Femme - You are 100% male. You make cowboys look like pussies. How Butch or Femme Are You? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva I am very much a man. I really am. Okay, maybe not. I just like cats more. Me and dogs never really got along. Dogs are so smelly and slobbery and all jump up on your ass and take them down. I don't know, maybe it was because I was always raised with gigantic dogs. They were my dad and my brother's not really mine. My first pet was my cat Lily Evans Potter. She's the only animal in the world who actually likes me except for retarded dogs. It's four twenty one in the goddamn morning. I have a fucking sore throat. I think Ryan Davis might have given me strep throat. I think I'm gonna kill the fucker for that. I fell asleep at eight thirty while watching Carnivale, then woke up at like three thirty. I started doing some homework I was intending to do right after Carnivale. Nothing bad, just some reading and finishing typing up the story for my creative writing class tomorrow. It's n ot a bad storu really, but I am incapable of really liking anything I do. The story involves the trenton, new jersey sanitation department and the pornography industry. That's all I'm saying, you thousands of people who read this. I hate waking up in the middle of the night. I didn't get to bed until about six in the morning on saturday and then had to get up at nine in the morning to help with the auditions for Live On Tape Delay. No one showed up to the audition and I don't think they're gonna use my sketches either. Maybe one, I don't know. I detected a lot of support for what I was pitching at the last writer's meeting. But I don't think my stuff fits the show structure too much. Mainly quick bits of TV and movie parodies is what they do. What I do is funny, Big difference. Either way me waking up in the middle of night just makes me feel out of sync. I wonder where the fuck my roommate is. Maybe he's dead. That would actually be quite sad. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes (Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
2:51 am	I miss you when you're around Sexual Record You're Most Likely to Break: Most Ejaculatory Orgasms for a Man Whoa... you're one virile dude. But can you break the record of 16 orgasms in one hour? All signs point to yes - but you better start practicing What Sexual Record Will You Break? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Some dude came sixteen times in an hour? God. A women apparently had 134 orgasms in an hour. FUCK!!!! That is either the happiest or most miserable women on earth. I don't know which but I intend to investigate. I wonder who's job it is to record things such as this. I wonder if they're proud when they go home for thanksgiving and people ask them what they do for a living. Do they lie? I know I sure fucking would. "What do you do for a living?" "I measure odd sexual records because the guiness people are fucking pussies." Not good. "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a data research analyst for Microsoft." Much better. I'm up at three o'clock in the morning. I have a class at noon. I took like an hour nap from ten to eleven or so, and now I can't sleep. I'm getting some schoolwork done. Well not, RIGHT now obviously. I'm taking a quick break. I'm supposed to write the opening to five different stories for my creative writing class. I don't like writing on demand, I always find it hard and am never happy with the results. Not that I'm EVER happy with the results. I shouldn't be allowed to read what I write. I should just invent a machine that could take whatever I wrote and tell me wether it sucks or not because I have no ability to determine that myself. I don't know. I wish I was one of those guys who was like really into windsurfing or something and was able to basically co-exist with the universe without being self critical. Plus then I'd be all in shape and shit and get laid all the time by non-fat girls. Not that I'm dissing on fat girls. I love fat girls, they try harder. Been in a funk recently. Can't explain it. Feels weird. Foggy mind, find it hard to focus. Talking to people difficult. Still kind of getting through it. Was really stressed out and started getting acne for the first time since high school. Started a system of exfoliating, cleaning, and mosturizing. There's this one song by Tori Amos that contains the line "Just because you can make me cum doesn't make you jesus." I was listening to that song today and was suddenly reminded of this girl I used to date. She said that line to me one time after I was gloating about my prowess post coitus. It kind of put me in my place. It's a weird thing for a teenage boy, to be reminded that sex is not everything. Brains soaked in fould liquids those teenage boys. Here is my current playlist, in case you're curious: 1. Happy Phantom - Tori Amos 2. Interstate 8 - Modest Mouse 3. Creep (Acoustic version) - Radiohead. 4. Pieces - Sum 41 5. Jesus Christ Was An Only Child - Modest Mouse. 6. Tainted Love - Soft Cell. 7. Always - Blink 182. 8. We're All To Blame - Sum 41. 9. Son Of A Gun - Nirvana. 10. China - Tori Amos. 11. Doin The Cockaroach - Modest Mouse. 12. In The Pines - Leadbelly. 13. Teenage Lobotomy - The Ramones. 14. Feeling This - Blink 182. 15. I Am One - The Smashing Pumpkins. 16. Rape Me - Nirvana. 17. Convienent Parking - Modest Mouse 18. Winter - Tori Amos. 19. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones. 20. Mr E's Beautiful Blues - The Eels (Comment on this)
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
6:50 pm	Happy 1995 everybody! Your pussy is happy. You two seem to have a great relationship filled with understanding, love, appreciation, and loyalty. I hope things continue well. What Mood Is Your Pussy In? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva   Fourth Of July, I mean New Years Eve, was allright.  Went to the Ballerz residence (I don't know if they prefer to have that little misnomer spelled with a Z, but they're good guys they'd understand.)  Played some guitar.  Turned down all offers of alcohol and drugs as I am a mormon.  Played some darts.  Got a call from Matthew, wanting to go hit the Clyborne to party with some hot DJ's from 107.1 (no longer the Planet, which sucks, but they now don't play that Linkin Park/Creed/Good Charloette corporarte rock bullshit), but on the way to the Clyborne Matthew gets a call telling him to come to danville.  I, understandbly, wanted to try and go to the bar and score with some adorable hipster ladies (hey, a guy can dream), but Matthew said he hadn't seen these people in like a year and they're old college freinds, and whatever.  So I go.  Enjoy myself, if you know what I mean (masturbated in the punch bowl), and so it was all good.  Passed out, woke up at nine o'clock, rushed back home, took a shower, then picked up my sister and drove to Chicago for the weekend. All in all, a wonderful time was had by all, except for those who drank the punch.  And my fellow motorists.   COLLIN A. BULLOCK'S OFFICIAL LIST OF THE BEST FILMS OF 2004  This was not a great year for movies.  In fact, it was all in all pretty shitty.  There were many great movies released, but the problem was that there was no obvious frontrunner for best movie of the whole year.  My first choice was going to be Elephant, as it is on the four best movies I have ever seen in my life, but then I noticed that it came out in 2003.  So, fuck it.  Anyway, here's my list.  I did the best I could, especially considering that I didn't see everything that came out this year (in fact, I probaly saw less movies this year than any other since, like, 1996)   1.  Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.  Dir: Michael Gondry, Wri: Charlie Kaufman, Pierre Bismuth, & Michael Gondry  Fuck, what an amazingly inventinve, funny, sad, passionate, and prodoundly entertaining movie experience.  And I don't like saying shit like that, because it makes me sound lik the kind of fucking tool they use quotes from in ads for movies like "Meet The Fockers" ("Side splittingly funny").  But it's all so accurate.  From a simple technical standpoint, no film this year looked as interesting as this, due largely to Gondry's refusal to cheapen everything by using the all digital easy way out.  He used in camera techniaues to create a film taking place inside a man's head, and the dazzling images have a nice organic feel to them because of that.  The structure of the film will inspire screewriting classes for years to come.  To sit down and say everything great about the acting, the scoring, the production design, etc. would take a whole book.  But, in the end, the movie synergizes all of it's parts into one cohesive experience.  Seriously, unforgettable.  Okay, that last line was fucking lame.   2.  Closer.  Dir: Mike Nichols, Wri: Patrick Marber; from a stage play by Patrick Marber Mike Nichols, before he started his directing career about forty years ago, was a member of one of the most popular comedy duos in the land Nichols & May.  How a former comedian could make such a savage movie would seem a little odd, until you realize just how funny this movie is.  Granted, it's the kind of funny that causes you to laugh at a fat women crying alone over ice cream, but it's a genuine humor.  And, like laughing at the fat women, the humor derives from the uncomfortable place of recognition.  The basic premise of the movie is that people are animals, and lie, cheat, and fuck eath other just to create wounds.  Sex isn't really very fun, and neither is intimacy we can assume.  A savage movie, but it feels real.  Features the best performance of the year in Clive Owen, playing Larry the doctor.      3.  Shaun Of The Dead.  Dir: Edgar Wright, Wri: Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright There was no movie I saw this year that I enjoyed more than this one.  I'm not even a huge fan of zombie movies (I've seen a few and enjoyed them, but I never got hardcore into it), but this movie was constantly keeping something on the screen to entertain the audience, and getting all the inside jokes was just a little extra squeeze.  Pretty much every genre is explored here: comedy, horror, action, drama, romance, others I can't even place.  It does them all well, and it does them all genuinely.  That's the genius of the movie.  It's effecitive on all these levels, often at the same time, and nothing is sacrificied.  It's funny, and it's thrilling, and it's even scary.  Big ups to this fucking fabulous motion picture.   4.  The Aviator.  Dir: Martin Scorsese, Wri: John Logan Scorsese is one of those guys whom I will see anything made by.  If he sniffed a bunch of glue one day and decided to make "Phonebook:  The Movie" starring Flava Flav and Brigiette Nielsin, I would be there opening day (and would probaly enjoy it greatly.)  But his past is somewhat checkered, culminating in 2002's Gangs Of New York, a movie as boring and bloated as it was fucking pointless.  I didn't dig it, and I was worried that he was gone.  But then he took on the story of Howard Hughes.  A great story, combining the two things Scorsese loves most:  crazy loners and movies themselves.  Religion is a favorite theme of Scorsese's as well, and it's not explicitly in this film but it can be found at the corners, sneaking in in the form of visions of hell.  A movie that starts as thrilling and ends as terrifying, it's a tour de force that shows everything American cinema does best while telling a wonderfully american story.  Over three hours long, but it flys by rather quickly.   5. Sideways.  Dir: Alexander Payne, Wri: Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor; from the novel by Rex Pickett Back before all the awards, all the accoldaes, all the articles, and all of america falling in love with this movie I saw it and thought it was something that could actually be described as magical:  A slow, deliberate movie that was simply about people and how they interact.  Nothing flashy, just a simple story that shows us these characters that we can actually relate to in our own perception of reality.  And it got made in america.  It's crazy.  As a movie it sneaks up on you, because it never at any point announces it's intentions.  It is it's own guide, and it does not let us see the map.  Not a wrong step anywhere, it glides through easy as the breeze, but packs an emotional punch overall.   6.  Garden State.  Dir: Zach Braff, Wri: Zach Braff A movie that establishes a very unique mood in the opening scenes, and gradualy mutates that mood throughout.  The screenplay is witty and charming, as is the acting involved, but it's his role as a director that Braff most shines in.  It's a very subjective film, taking place in the mind and spirit of it's lead character, and the visual choices Braff uses converys this message to us so effectively.  But, more importantly, the film has an urgency that is critically lacking in cinema these days.  You can tell Braff FELT this movie, and it came from somewhere personal.  It's not without it's flaws, but it's as warm and as vibrant as any movie made this year.   7.  Primer.  Dir: Shane Carruth, Wri: Shane Carruth Not an easy film to get into, but deeply rewarding if one takes the time to consider it and figure it out.  A film that defines the word mind puzzler, it was supposedly made for only $7,000.  It often lookes like a movie made on the cheap, but Carruth is especially good at using this apparent disadvantage as an asset.  It's a science fiction film without a signle special effects shot, but instead relies on ideas and concepts.  The dialogue is wonderful in how it seems incromprehensible in individual terms, but gets the point across in broad terms.  Entertaining, fast paced, and with a twist ending that may not actually twist anything.  Or something.  Who the fuck knows?  A sure future cult favorite/midnight movie.   8.  Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban.  Dir: Alfonso Cuaron, Wri: Steve Kloves; from the novel by J.K. Rowling Quite simply the best kids movie anyone has made in twenty years.  And, of course, like any good kids movie calling it a kids movie does it a great disservice.  Bringing in Alfonso Cuaron to make this films was a very wise desicion.  Chris Columbus was a competent director who made decent movies out of the first two books, but they never leaped off the screen.  They were simple the books filmed, nothing more.  Cuaron is an actual filmmaker who understands what makes amazing imagery, and he uses it to create a world both beautiful and kind of scary.  Special props should be given to the kid actors, especially Daniel Radcliffe who played Harry Potter himself.    9.  The Terminal.  Dir:  Steven Spielberg, Wri:  Sacha Gervasi and Jeff Nathanson Spielberg gets a lot of shit because he makes money and because people like his movies.  But I give him much respect if only because he's still out there making movies right now and he still had the childish energy that has always been his trademark.  His movies haven't always been good, but at least none of them have been boring.  He still feels like a kid right out of film school, in love with cinema and all of it's possibilities.  This movie here is a great example of that.  It's a sweet, funny little film, light as a feather.  But the ending puts the rest of the film into a whole different conext, and we can see the themes of the movie.  It's a delight.   10.  Troy.  Dir: Wolfgang Petersen, Wri: Bavid Benioff; from the poem by Homer Yeah, yeah, I know, it sucked.  It was too long, completely innacurate, and kind of dumb.  But I don't care.  It fucking kicked ass.  It looked great, it moved at a brisk pace, and it featured attractive people doing silly things.  It was the most fun pure "popcorn" picture I've seen in quite a while, largely because it never actually took itself seriously.  It just kicked my ass and left me asking for more.   Current Mood: bored Current Music: Weezer - Pinkerton (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
1:44 am	My god, I'm a fascinating person! Trait . low score high score Sociability 30% socially reserved, detached friendly, open Aggressiveness 72% mild mannered, uncompetitive predatory, domineering Assertiveness 11% introverted, loner controlling, aggressive Activity Level 8% relaxed, laid back vigorous, high energy Excitement-Seeking 45% sedate, restrained adventurous, wild Enthusiasm 1% somber, pessimistic cheerful, optimistic Trust 24% suspicious of others trusting of others Submissiveness 31% rebellious, lawless dutiful, obedient, compliant Altruism 41% selfish, cold, austere helpful, selfless, indulgent Cooperation 19% argumentitive, confrontational conflict averse, meek Modesty 5% arrogant, self-satisfied humble, unassuming, doormat Sympathy 77% callous, heartless empathetic, warm Confidence 3% not confident in work confident in work, egoistic Neatness 16% disorganized, messy planner, clean, anal Dutifulness 5% dishonest, derelict honest, rule abiding, proper Achievement 11% lazy, unmotivated driven, goal oriented Self-Discipline 6% procrastinator responsible, efficient Cautiousness 17% spontaneous, daring, reckless careful, controlled, safe Anxiety 87% relaxed, fearless fearful, worrier Volatility 97% calm, cool touchy, tempermental Depression 88% content, balanced emotional, self hating Self-Consciousness 91% confident, assured low self esteem, shy Impulsiveness 93% high self control low self control Vulnerability 92% resilient, unphased confused, helpless Imagination 11% practical, realistic dreamer, unrealistic Artistic Interests 52% artistic indifference art, nature, beauty lover Introspection 43% not self reflective self searching Adventurousness 3% conventional, safe spontaneous, bold Intellect 16% instinctive, non-analytical intellectual, analytical Liberalism 46% conservative, traditional progressive, open Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test personality tests by similarminds.com I am VERY (more than 90%): Relaxed, laid back (92%) Somber, pessimistic (99%!!!!) Arrogant, self satisfied. (95%) Not confident in work. (97&) Dishonest (95%) Procastinator (94%) Touchy and tempermental (97%) Low self esteem, shy (91%) Low self control (93%) Confused, helpless (92%) Conventional, safe (97%) Now, I know that all you people who read this (which I genuinely hope is no one) don't actually know me, which is fine. I would be quite embarassed if someone who knew me knew that I actually write in an internet journal. It's a fucking thing for fifteen year olds to write bad suburban white girls poetry. But, really, just reading about me, does this sound like me? God, I fucking hope not. Current Mood: None Current Music: None (Comment on this)
Monday, December 20th, 2004
7:18 pm	You don't fuck with the orb. The orb fucks with you. You Are the Girl Next Door! You're caring, warm, and the girl that nice guys want to marry. Uncomplicated and simple, you've got an easy going attitude guys love. But this doesn't mean you're dull - far from it! You're a great conversationalist, and you're an expert at living the good life. What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. I think the girl next door would be the best kind of woman to date, if only because the movie of the name had that hot chick in it. She wasn't just like regular hot either, she was like "i need new pants" hot. But, and get this, she played a porn star and yet she never stripped off her gear for any scene. I mean, I wasn't expecting any bush, but we didn't even get a nipple? The fuck? You know what, fuck the girl next door. Fucking piece of shit movie can suck my dick. Speaking of dick sucking, when are little girls gonna learn the proper technique? Are you with me guys? I mean, god, they take the candy you offered them to get in your van, you think they'd keep their part of the bargain up a little bit better. For christ sake. Man, high school sucked so much. But who would want to talk about that on an online journal? What do I look like, a lame-o? Or a commie. I am neither. I swear before god my roomate has asserted both of these things in arguments: 1. He claimed that when america dropped a nuclear bomb on hiroshima the japanese had already surrendered. 2. He claimed that every good action every performed in history was done by liberals. 3. I once called him arrogant and he said "Dude, if Michalengelo or Einstein thought they were brilliant, would they be arrogant? No, they would just be accurate." And (this is the best): 3. Once he said, "The slavery in america was the worst anywhere." I said, "Well, I don't know if that's true. I mean, what about the slaves who built the pyramids?" And then he goes "No dude, they got paid to do that." He was not kidding, I swear to god by the holy fuckchrist. Oh man. I should be typing some stuff up for my book, but I'm lazy and want to avoid work. Not that that's work or anything, as my velvet prose is so fun to type it seems like a joyous lark to just gaze at the words. I finished up a few short stories the other day, submitted them to a contest. If I win, I'm picking up a random drunk floozy at a bar and videotaping myself punching her in the cooch. Man, cooch. What a fucked up word. I gotta write a song about it. If I win first place I get (copied directly from website): "A gift basket valued at 250$ and a gift certificate from Borders valued at 250$" I think it's in the bag for me. I mean, who the fuck is my competiton? A bunch of bored housewives writing lurid fanatsies about that nice man who hosts hollywood squares coming to their door and fucking them sensless right before doing the dishes and making dinner. Actually, shit, I can't compete against that. No one can. My kitty has sharp claws and is now demanding that I get her attention and affection. Fucking piece of shit Lily Evans Potter. Ah well, talk to all y'all folks later. Current Mood: cold Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
7:44 pm	I love giving birth. SUCK MY BABY!!!!!!! You Should Get Your Sweetie Chocolate Fantasy Finger Paint Want some tasty, chocolate foreplay? Then break out these delicious paints. If you make a mistake, just lick it off. Includes Chocolate Almond, Chocolate Raspberry, Chocolate Strawberry, and Chocolate Mocha. What Should You Get Your Sweetie For Christmas? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva I actually don't have a sweetie right now, as my last psuedo girlfriend didn't really work out.  Plus chocolate gives me a headache.  So, in brief, quiz diva is full of shit and I curse it to the bowels of hell. I am quite poor.  A think I should sell blood and semen.  Or just semen.  Or maybe I should just masturbate.  They'll pay me right? I'm trying to grow a beard.  So far my attempts have been disasterous to say the least.  Horrible.  I cry and cry all night, screaming 'WHY MUST MY FACIAL HAIR LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF WEIRD RASH!!!!"  I wish I could grow a cool beard like Colin Farrell. That guy is a fucking pimp, no question about it. I like the idea of a sexually open marriage, as it gives me an excuse to have sex with your mom. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: John Coltrane - Giant Steps (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
11:02 pm	You're a "Kinky Fuck". You're all about role play. You wanna be the one giving daily "check ups" or being the naughty school girl. But you also like a man to please you and treat you good. What Kind of Fuck Are You? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva You know, my girlfriend predicted I would get this one. After I shit in a bag and fucked her cat. Just kidding. I'm not dating anyone currently. I just shat in a bag and fucked my NEIGHBOR'S cat. Rolling stone magazine recently put out a list of the 500 best songs of all time. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Why do I have this huge wart on my genitals?" Well, I have no answer and I don't much wanna talk about it. Your panties are your own business and my involvement can only lead to moral, physical, and financial damage for you and your loved ones. But is this list stupid? Yes. Trying to list the five hundred best songs of all time is a fool's errand, because there's no way to judge such a things and even if you could five hundred is too long of a fucking list. But, despite all of the obvious shortcomings of the idea, it has a certain appeal. Why? Because people love lists, for the same reason they love little boys. No, not the solid orginization of the mysteries of the universe. Not that at all. The boy fucking. That's it. So, by any means, I wanna make my own list. A very comprehensive list. A list of the seventy five best songs I can think of right now. This list will be numbered, but it will not be in any real order aside from the order that I think of them. You know, I probaly shouldn't even call it the "best" songs ever. Bets implies some sort of objective desicion making process. No, it's more like, well...if I had an IPOD with me on a dessert island, and it could only store seventy five songs for some reason, I would choose these songs. Then, while chilling on the desert island later, I would be like "Fuck, why didn't I remember to put _____ on the fucking list! I love that damn song!!!" My tastes vary greatly, and the list will be joined by only one real characteristic: All of these songs KICK FUCKING ASS!!!! 1. Across The Universe - The Beatles. 2. Desolation Row - Bob Dylan. 3. Ruby Tuesday - The Rolling Stones. 4. Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins. 5. Fast Car - Tracy Chapman. 6. Freddie Freeloader - Miles Davis. 7. Heroin - The Velvet Underground. 8. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead. 9. Shelter From The Storm - Bob Dylan. 10. Heart Shaped Bix - Nirvana. 11. Anarchy In The UK - The Sex Pistols. 12. God Only Knows - The Beach Boys. 13. Thirty Three - Smashing Pumpkins. 14. The Only Living Boy In New York - Paul Simon. 15. Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig Van Beethoven. 16. Walk On The Wild Side - Lou Reed. 17. Crash - Dave Matthews Band. 18. Sweet Home Chicago - Robert Johnson. 19. Houndog - Elvis Presely. 20. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) - The Beatles. 21. Every Rose Has It's Thorn - Poison. 22. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana. 23. Visions Of Johanna - Bob Dylan. 24. Snail - Smashing Pumpkins. 25. Paranoid Android - Radiohead. 26. Devil Got My Women - Skip James. 27. Mr E's Beautiful Blues - The Eels. 28. God Save The Queen - The Sex Pistols. 29. Winter - Tori Amos. 30. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N Roses. 31. Blitzkreig Bop - The Ramones. 32. Wonderwall - Oasis. 33. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys. 34. Fuel - Metallica. 35. Heavy Metal Machines - Smashing Pumpkins. 36. Mother - Pink Floyd. 37. Across The Sea - Weezer. 38. All Apologies - Nirvana. 39. When I Come Around - Green Day. 40. Fur Elise - Ludwig Van Beethoven. 41. Like A Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan. 42. Pretty Good Year - Tori Amos. 43. I Am Waiting - The Rolling Stones. 44. Me And Julio - Paul Simon. 45. Louie Louie - The Kingsmen. 46. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones. 47. Baba O'Reilley - The Who. 48. Better man - Pearl Jam. 49. A Hard Day's Night - The Beatles. 50. Papa's Got A Brand New Bag - James Brown. 51. Fuck The Police - NWA 52. Loser - Beck. 53. The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails. 54. To Sheila - Smashing Pumpkins. 55. Ring Of Fire - Johnny Cash. 56. Free Falling - Tom Petty. 57. Bad Medicine - Bon Jovi. 58. Negative Creep - Nirvana. 59. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd. 60. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac. 61. Undone: The Sweater Song - Weezer. 62. Rocket - Smashing Pumpkins. 63. The Sound Of Silence - Simon And Garfunkle. 64. Maggie May - Rod Stewart. 65. Here Comes Your Man - The Pixies. 66. Blackbird - The Beatles. 67. Mr. Tambourine Man - Bob Dylan. 68. Imagine - John Lennon. 69. You Really Got Me - The Kinks. 70. The Seeker - The Who. 71. Redemption Song - Bob Marley. 72. Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles. 73. Exit Music (For A Film) - Radiohead. 74. Cherry Pie - Warrant. 75. Mad World - Gary Jules. EXTRA 25 (FOR NO GOOD REASON) 76. Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival. 77. Guerilla Radio - Rage Against The Machine. 78. Keep On Rocking In The Free World - Neil Young. 79. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morisson. 80. Kashmir - Led Zeppelin 81. Lithium - Nirvana. 82. Hey Jude - The Beatles 83. Stand - REM. 84. Rocketman - Elton John. 85. Muzzle - Smashing Pumpkins. 86. Dream On - Aerosmith. 87. Lose Yourself - Eminem. 88. Jimmy Jazz - The Clash. 89. Third Planet - Modest Mouse. 90. National Anthem - Radiohead. 91. Back In Black - AC/DC. 92. Stairway To Heaven - Led Zeppelin. 93. Pictures Of You - The Cure. 94. Nothing In The World Can Stop Me Worrying About That Girl - The Kinks. 95. What so funny about peace, love, and understanding? - Elvis Costello. 96. I Am One - Smashing Pumpkins 97. Needle In The Hay - Eliott Smith. 98. Walking after midnight - Patsy Cline. 99. Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode. 100. Toxic - Britney Spears Current Mood: cold Current Music: The Beatles - A Hard Days Night (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 25th, 2004
11:34 pm	Turkey day is yad yekrut backwards! You Should Be Thankful for Your Middle Finger! Because that's going to be your main mode of communication with your family Holidays suck, but more importantly your life seems to be sucking these days So wiggle that middle down your pants and make some good use of it Now you really have something to be thankful for! What Should You Be Thankful For? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva FIFTY THINGS I SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER): 50: Halo 2. God bless it. 49. The way this girls I once went out with's hair smelt. 48. Carrot cake (especially homemade carrot cake. For this thanksgiving I, personally, cooked the following: potato salad, oatmeal raisin cookies, cobb salad, italian dressing, and carrot cake. Also I woke up early thanksgiving morning to cut up a tree that had fallen in my parent's driveway. I am such a fucking renassaince man. How women avoid forcing themselves on me is totally a mystery) 47. The new alexander payne film Sideways. Fucking beautiful. A really simple, unassuming film about people. Imagine that. It doesn't try to blow everyone away with amazong special effects, tricky camera moves, or pointless violence and vulgarity. It just shows us a collection of human beings, all of them deeply flawed but capable of so much more than they or we think. So fucking amazing, best film of the year probaly. Actually here are probaly the ten best movies I've seen all year (in no order): Sideways, Elephant, Garden State, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, The Incredibles, Shaun Of The Dead, Troy (i'm SO in the minority on this one), Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy, uh...can't remember any more really good ones. Need to see more movies. 46. The vagina. 45. My choice to start wearing dress shirts and ties with jeans. I push the sleeves up, I look GOOD. 44. My cat. 43. The novel "Carter Beats The Devil" by Glen David Gold. 42. Not having killed myself while I was about sixteen or seventeen. 41. My hand healing. 40. The Harry Potter books. All of them are fucking marvelous, but three and four are ESPECIALLY good. 39. The face a girl makes when you are kissing her cheek and are just about to move to the lips. She will part her lips slightly, and close her eyes. Her breathing will increase a little, and she will even start to smell better. I don't see how anyone can call a moment this casually beautiful anything but life affirming, but ah well. Cynicism is deemed cool these days, so what the fuck ever. 38. Having someone say something nice about you when you least expect it and most need it. 37. The guitar solo from "Cherub Rock." 36. My novel coming along nicely. I was at page 135, but then I changed the font and line spacing and now I'm at 98. I'm about a fourth of the way through, I would say. And I haven't hit yet a snag I haven't gotten through. I know how it will end I just have to get there. 35. A little kid actually liking you. 34. Winning at poker. 33. Arrested Development on FOX, sundays at 7:30 central time. 32. Sorority Party Massacre 2. 31. Michelle Branch. She got married recently, and that almost made me not include her on this list. You know, just to teach her a lesson. But then it occured to me: Come on man, it doesn't matter. You won't hook up with her wether she's married or not. But that seemed like a quitter's mentality, and I've never quite anything except for yoga, the atkins diet, and smoking. The latter on about fifty different occassions. Then a better idea popped into my head: michelle married a forty year old dude when she was twenty. Their marriage will never last. He will chest on her with the first big tittied american idol reject he sees, and when she's all sad and shit it will be my waiting arms she runs into it. Yes. You just wait. 30. Good poetry, which is so rare it should all be emblazoned on the moon. 29. Taking a walk with a pretty girl on a rainy day. 28. Every song I have ever written. 27. "Mellon Collie And The Infinte Sadness" by The Smashing Pumpkins. 26. My ability to tie balloon ends. 25. Coca Cola Classic. 24. I never done got no biatches preggers. 23. My spelling bee victory in fifth grade. 22. The smell of a new car. 21. My teddy bear, bop-bop. 20. Pulling off a really complicated social manuever out of sheer force of will. 19. That feeling you get after you feel really sick, and then you vomit and suddenly feel better. 18. Living in america. Even if you hate the people running it, it's still a great country. In this place, even if the people running it are no good the country is still a nice place. Many countries are not like this. Or so I've been told. 17. Having a friend be close enough to you that you can tell them really vulnerable stuff, and not feel all gay about it. 16. The riff for "You Really Got Me", by the Kinks. 15. The Pixies are back together! 14. When someone you never payed attention to before suddenly becomes beautiful, due to either changes in their life or changes in yours. 13. Running into old friends unexpectedly. 12. Bad goth poetry. Funny AND inspiring. 11. The Billy Chaka books by Isaac Adamson. Literature that moves along nicely and is absoluetly fun, but is never stupid and never condescends to it's audience. 10. James Cameron is making another movie. Yeah, I know he's done some documentaru stuff in the past few years, and a lot of it was fascinating stuff, but it's good to see him coming back to his home and knocking our motherfucking asses off. 9. Getting all of my christmas shopping done this morning, and saving a bunch of money while doing it. However, if anyone ever asks me "Hey Collin, is waking up at 5:00 in the morning on the day after thanksgiving and taking a couple of ten year old girls shopping a good idea?" I will give them the kind of look that withers lettuce. 8. My ability to sing happily, despite all evidence showing me that I should probaly stop. Really, who the hell wants to go through life without signing just for the fuck of it? I know MANY people who have never, as far as I can tell, sang to themselves and would never consider doing it and hate it when I do. I don' see how these people don't blow their own heads off. 7. The birth control pill. 6. Shy little girls with long hair who don't look you in the eyes and never talk. They are adorable, and will be the most beautiful things in the world when they grow up. Blond little girls who buy cheerleader outfits at the age of eight and won't stop fucking talking to you about their school, well...those obnoxious little cunts can fuck off and die. Of course, I still wish them nothing but the best of luck, as I have love in my heart for all god's creatures. 5. Having been an altar boy in a catholic church while a child and having never been ass loved by anyone while doing it. 4. Michael Bay movies. You know, people give him so much shit because he wants to make populist pictures. You know what? He loves middle america, and I share a lot of his love in a weird way. He makes big pictures that are fun to watch and there is something deeply profound about that. 3. Feeling someone's breath. 2. Being in a warm bed while it rains outside. 1. Everyone who actually read this whole list, which is more likely than not no one. Current Mood: full Current Music: The Best Of Muddy Waters (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 7th, 2004
3:04 am	He felt this way mainly because the photos were happy. His memories were not. You Are Boy Shorts! You're stylish, trendy, but not over the top. You know how to look good - without looking like you're trying too hard. Men think that you're cute, friendly, and approachable. And you've got a spunky, fiesty side that comes out after a while! What Kind of Panties Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.   Boy shorts are hot to me, which probaly means I'm a fag. The catholic side of me hates this, and the normal side hates the catholic side. This is far from unusual for either side. Here is a snippet from my novel which is entitled "collin is the kind of arrogant prick who posts snippets of a book he's writing on the internet, as well as drops little comments into conversation that he's writing a book so people can ask about and give him an excuse to talk about far and away his favorite topic, which was himself" (or "baby genius" for short).  I am 115 pages in, about a fourth of the book, and it looks like it's probaly the best movie anyone has ever made:              Katherine stared at the razor for a good five minutes after she took it out.  She eventually brought it to her wrists and held it there.  The door opened suddenly, and she got up, holding the razor behind her back.             Lily stood at the door, acting surprised.              “Hi Mrs. Bruer,” she said.             “Oh.  Uh, hi Lily.  Uh…hi.”  There was a long pause.  “What are you doing up?”             “Oh, I had to use the bathroom.”             “Oh…okay.  Well, uh…yeah, go right ahead.”             Katherine walked right out of the room.  Lily turned the faucet on, and sat down in the bathtub.  She had brought some paper in with her, and so she started drawing a picture of Tara.             Katherine walked right out of the room, and immediately left the hotel and walked across the street to the convienence store.  A small Asian man sat at the counter, reading a copy of Penthouse Letters.  He did not seem ashamed about this.             “Uh, I would, uh…I would like…” she said.  The words were not coming out very gracefully.  Katherine wasn’t ashamed of what she was doing; it was just that everything in the world was so confusing.  Talking was a complicated procedure that should only be left to those who went to school for eight years to study it.  She had no business interacting with other people; she could only screw it up.             The man was growing impatient.  He was not paid enough to deal with crazy, strung out old ladies.             “Can I get you something?” he asked her.             “I, uh…can I get a pack of camels, please.  Filtered.”             As soon as she got her cigarettes she went outside and greedily opened up the pack.  She hadn’t smoked in over five years, but she didn’t really think that mattered much.  Records like that were designed to give people the illusion of permancy.  Everything shifted, everything changed, and nothing ever stays good for long.             She smoked three cigarettes very quickly, and then fell down to her knees and vomited all over the ground.  Then she got up and walked back to the hotel room.             By then Lily had finished her picture and lay back down on the bed, trying very hard to sleep.  Katherine followed her lead and collapsed into the other bed.  She was fast asleep within five minutes.             It’s okay, she thought to herself before she passed out.             Everything will be all right.   That was good huh?  Made no sense out of the context of the rest of the book huh?  Here's another one:               Lily set the alarm clock herself.  She did this every night.  It was set for six thirty in the morning.             It was set to buzzer, because Lily didn’t like the radio.  And so, at six thirty on the dot it beeped and Lily was awoken.  She had been dreaming about a small room, where she was chained to a chair, unable to go anywhere.  But at least she had a television there, and the room did smell nice.  She had to settle for something.             Before she left for school, she checked her mother’s room to see if she had come home last night.  Her room was still empty, save for the clothes scattered everywhere and needles and bottles lining the floor.             Lily knew what these were for, but she didn’t really care.             She walked to school by herself.  She sat in the front row, like she always did.  As her teacher talked, she simply just drew little pictures to herself.             “Lily,” the teacher would ask.             “Yes Miss Harris?”             “You need to put that away and pay attention to the board.”             Lily did as she was told, even though it bothered her.  If she didn’t do what Miss Harris wanted she would be sent to the principal’s office, and that would be another hassle that she would have to live with.             Why can’t life be simple?             So Lily put the drawing away in her desk and paid attention to the board.  Miss Harris was going over math problems, and Lily pretended to be interested.  She pretended so well, Miss Harris believed her and gave her a gold star for improvement of behavior.             “If you just do what you’re told,” Miss Harris said.  “Life will go by a lot easier.”             “Than you for the advice Miss Harris,” Lily responded.             When Lily got home she made herself cereal.  She liked cereal.  It was her favorite food.  It was easy to make.             She sat and watched some TV.  Then she went back to bed.             “When is mommy coming home?” Tara asked, as they both lay in bed together.             “Soon Tara, soon.”             They both went to sleep.   Man, i'm so brilliant i am in physical pain over it.  actually, that might be my hand injury.  either way, vicodin is the cure. Anyway, talk to you later folks.         Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Bob Dylan - Live at royal albert hall. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 4th, 2004
5:06 pm	Second place is just another way of saying first loser. You Have Sex Like a Republican! You aren't so sure about all these new trendy sex practices. Bisexuality, polyamoury, furries, squishing bugs - yuck! You prefer your sex to be old fashioned - with standards. Don't forgetthough ... Republicans CAN be kinky. Think Dick Morris and his toe sucking fetish. What Political Party Do You Do It Like? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Don't tell anyone about this.  Dumb liberal girls are hot, and i don't wanna ruin my chances.  Although those flag panties might have to replace batman undies and naughty slytherin schoolgirl outfits as my new creepy mind infestation.  Because, like most good republicans, i really just wanna jizz all over the flag. Ew... Let me just settle this once and for all, while no one is reading.  I am a Bush supporter, I like the president, i love my country, and I (amazingly) don't hate blacks, jews, gays, or babies.  I have often lied to people and told them that i am not a bush supporter.  This is mainly because people don't see supporting the president as one man's opinion, but instead as a fundamentally bad act that I should go to hell for.  It's typical liberal bullshit.  I'll support you in you right to have whatever view you want, just as long as i agree with that view.  If I disagree with you, I will call you a stupid, racist, redneck and openly mock the fact that you have enough courage to put faith in a higher power.  Well, you know what, fuck you all.  I spit on your ground and proudly declare myself on the winning team.  And, you know what, I have many liberal beliefs, but I will not assign myself to such a pompous, arrogant, hateful group of people who consider themselves better than their country because they're young. Liberals constantly bring up this war and the people who died as an arguement against the president.  Listen, war is hell.  People die and suffer and no one who has a heart could see the things that we are shown happening over there and not feel a pang of guilt.  But I believe the president is a man who understands that the world is a tough motherfucking place, and people have to suffer and die for peace and safety, or at least a relative form of it.  John Kerry is a man who will make the deaths of the soldiers irrelevant by sending them all home, pandering to the immediate mentality as opposed to the future. And I know people say that this is the wrong time to go to war, because we don't have the military forces and a draft will be reinstated.  Listen, if we didn't have liberal assholes like michael moore and others preaching how horrible america is and how only lame-o's join the military, then maybe kids would understand the financial, spiritual, physical, and moral advantages to fighting for one's own country.  Liberals are not willing to fight and dide for what they believe in, and they want to make sure no one else does either.  No man, trhe military and religion is for sheep man, you should join a rock band instead. The military is not fun.  We all know this.  In high school I attended military school for some time, and while I wasthere every day contained some form of concentrated misery.  But i left as a better human being in several ways, and i am proud of what i did.  Now, while i won't try and say my experience is exactly alike an actual boot camp (largely in that i never had the rational fear of having to kill or be killed as soon as i left), the principle remains the same.    Ah well, all arguements always end up the same anyway. I mean, i'm not arrogant enough to say i'm 100% right anyway. I have my doubts, and i welcome intellegent and informed debate. Liberals can often be very smart peopl. Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Modest Mouse - Moon And Antarctica (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
2:24 pm	Shut up you mother-father chinese dentist! Your Penetration Personality is Airtight. Nothing like getting three of your favorite male friends over to see who can fit where. You love it all and all at the same time. If you are a lesbian, your girlfriend more than likely owns a double cock harness to wear in the bedroom. You get an A for most adventurous. What Is Your Penetration Personality? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Well, I can only pray that prison is not in my immediate future. I like being airtight. It helps me get the best guys, and stores change really well. My vagina has a pocket for change. Not change like coins, but SOCIAL change. You know, I often wish I had a vagina, for many reasons. The change pocket is one, plus it seems to be prettier than male genetalia, and it gives you enough power to control the world, and etc. The vagina, in general, seems like a lot of fun. Of course, whenever I mention this to someone who has a vagina they usually tell me that, in fact, it is not nearly as fun as it looks, for obvious reasons. Boobies, on the other hand, seem uncontested in their awesomeness I just got back from the hospital. I was giving birth. Just kidding. I was trying to pry some frozen hot dogs apart with a knife and it slipped through and I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand quite violetly. I freaked out and flailed my arms and sprewed blood everywhere, then got out of panic mode (or at least got into a slightly LESS paniced mode) I got a towel and applied pressure and held the wound over my heart (thank you boy scouts of america for your fine education in first aid) and drove my ass to the hospital, probaly scaring the shit out of all those who I drove past, because my face and clothes were covered in blood and I was holding a blood soaked rag. They gave me a few stiches, and told me I will need surgery because I can't feel my fingers. I severed a nerve, so yippee to me. But on the plus side the doctors say I should be able to play guitar in a couple of months. So my career as a flackey in a Van Halen band is suffering only a minor setback. Just kidding. Van Halen does rock though. So, anyway, I'm pretty fucked up from blood loss and typing with one hand sucks, so please excuse all typos and odd comments. Which is, I suppose, average for me anyway. If I were the Devil . . . If I were the Prince of Darkness, I'd want to engulf the whole world in darkness. And I'd have 1/3 of its real estate and 4/5 of its population, but I wouldn't be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree. THE ripest apple! So I'd set about however necessary to take over the United States. I'd subvert the churches first. I'd begin with a campaign of whispers. With the wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve, "Do as you please!" To the young I would whisper that the Bible is a myth. I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around. I would confide that what's bad is good, and what's good is square. And the old I would teach to pray after me, "Our Father, which art in Washington." And then I'd get organized. I'd educate authors in how to make lurid literature exciting so that anything else would appear dull or uninteresting. I'd threaten TV with dirtier movies and vice versa. I'd peddle narcotics to whom I could. I'd sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction. I'd tranquilize the rest with pills. If I were the Devil, I'd soon have families at war with themselves, churches at war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves until each, in its turn, was consumed. And with promises of higher ratings, I'd have mesmerizing media fanning the flames. If I were the Devil, I would encourage schools to refine young intellects, but neglect to discipline emotions; just let those run wild! Until before you knew it, you'd have to have drug-sniffing dogs and metal detectors at every schoolhouse door. Within a decade, I'd have prisons overflowing, I'd have judges promoting pornography. Soon I could evict God from the courthouse, then from the schoolhouse, and then from the houses of Congress. And in his own churches, I would substitute psychology for religion and deify science. I would lure priests and pastors into misusing boys and girls and church money. If I were the Devil, I'd make the symbol of Easter an egg, and the symbol of Christmas a bottle. If I were the Devil, I'd take from those who have and give to those who want it until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious. And what do you bet I could get whole states to promote gambling as the way to get rich. I would caution against extremes; in hard work; in patriotism; in moral conduct. I would convince the young that marriage is old fashioned; that swinging is more fun; that what you see on TV is the way to be. And thus, I could undress you in public, and I could lure you into bed with diseases for which there is no cure. In other words, if I were the Devil, I'd just keep right on doing what he's doing! If I were the devil . . . I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the world; I would delude their minds into thinking that a 3000-year-old collection of superstition and mythology called the 'Bible' was a more valid guide to the modern world than reason and science; I would promote an attitude of valuing economic expansion and personal wealth over people and the environment, instead of the other way around; I would dupe an entire population into placing the greatest tax burden on their poorest citizens; I would convince people that image rather than achievement was the most important issue when it comes to leadership; I would ensure that men maintained control over women's bodies and sexuality; I would make it socially acceptable to deny terminally ill patients the right to end their own lives with dignity, and instead force them to spend their final days in continual pain and suffering; I would promote the exploitation and suffering of animals as much as possible, so that business profits would be valued more than treating living things humanely; I would coerce schoolchildren into worshiping my god and call it "freedom of religion"; I would get control of the government by stealing elections and leading the country into unnecessary wars, so that I could twist the laws of the nation to suit my agenda; I would attack minorities, foreigners, women, homosexuals, and every other powerless group, the backbone of any nation; I would force couples to remain in unworkable marriages. Unhappy people are easier to control; I would suppress freedom of speech and expression, and I would call it protecting society; I would convince the world that people choose to be homosexuals, and that their lifestyles should be reviled and demonized; I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few bigoted religious zealots who refer to their agenda as Christian; I would persuade people that the Bible, a book that condones xenophobia, slavery, subordination of women, and stoning people to death, is a relevant guide to modern life; I guess I would leave things pretty much the way they are. I found both of those on the internet. I kind of agree with both. What's wrong with me? Current Mood: nauseated Current Music: Garden State Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 17th, 2004
7:01 pm	Your momma's ass is my temple. You Will Be a Traditional Bride! You're the type of girl who is feminine, old fashioned, and totally traditional. You've been dreaming of your wedding day since you were young And you can't wait to be a princess in your big white gown. It's likely that you'll have a big family wedding and take your husband's name While a huge affair will be fun, just don't go all Bridezilla about the color of your napkins! What Kind of Bride Will You Be? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. Now I have to decide who I will marry. Ewan McGregor is hot like all get out, but so obvious. Johnny Depp even more so. Lately Jake Gylenhall has been catching my eye, but he seems like he would be reluctant to commit. David Sedaris is a little too old for me, but he's so funny and his west virginia old woman accent makes me randy. I think I'd like a dude with a british accent. Fucking british accents are so sexy it is ridiculous. There'a guy I met at the White Horse the other night who was from England. Manchester to be exact, or so he said. It was karaoke night and so we dueted on Wonderwall by oasis. He was cute. But, during our love making, he would have to yell out "shine your shoes govenor?" He would just have to. I stayed up for thirty six hours straight the other day (well, the other day and a half to be exact) I used to do that kind of shit all the time in high school, but I think I'm too old now. I had to work and we were really busy and I totally fucking lost my shit, started yelling at customers. I would have gotten fired, but all the customers are such drunk assholes no one cares if we mistreat them. In other news, midterms went fine. As is often the case with an upper level (i've been told) university like U of I, the professors fucking hype the exams to be roughly ten thousand times more difficult that they actually are. Yeah, literally ten thousand times more. I have the numbers right in front of me. I've been writing a novel. I'm not gonna write a whole bunch about it because people who talk on and on about their book on the internet are usually talentless hacks. But let me just say this: It is not fantasy nor sci fi and it doesn't suck. And it doesn't involve Harry Potter, although I do love me some Potter more than any human being ever should. I actually own Harry Potter towels and calendars and I have a hedwig stuffed animal. It's all part of my continued efforts to never touch a woman. Ann Coulter quotes: "This is the way addled liberals really think. Even as they champion sucking the brains out of little babies, they think of themselves as indelibly compassionate because they favor an overweening, behemoth federal government." "Liberals compare Jerry Falwell to the Taliban, but then are furious with George Bush for not being Jesus Christ. Evidently, what a president is supposed to do when the girls are scared is develop complete omniscience and omnipotence. Thus, the media repeatedly expound upon the proposition that what Bush should have done in response to the anthrax mailings is: Instantly produce the culprits and put an end to this madness!" "If we're so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren't they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?" "I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly" "God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'" "If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. ... Don't pray. Learn to use guns." "The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals." "Lawyer Alan Dershowitz is promoting the adoption of a national ID card. Liberals are stalwart defenders of civil liberties -- provided we're only talking about criminals." "Usually the nonsense liberals spout is kind of cute, but in wartime their instinctive idiocy is life-threatening." "We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed too. Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors." God bless Ann Coulter. Bitch is fucking insane, but I think she is still quickly becoming my favorite political commentator, if only because she has a sense of humor about things, and she is willing to take the unpopular position. Plus she expressed things called "opinions" and lets us know that they are "opinions". People like Michael Moore try to tell me that what he thinks is fact and anyone who disagrees with him is just wrong. Michael Moore has just published a book collecting letters he gets from soldiers. He is getting rich exploiting the words of the people whose moral he is detroying with his lies. How the fuck does he sleep at night? Anyway I'm out, my cat is bothering me to play with her. I think I'll write a little more tonight, finish my chemistry homework, and then go to bed. Tomorrow is laundry day. God, my life is mind blowingly exciting. Current Mood: listless Current Music: Green Day - American Idiot (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
4:46 am	Babs uvula who? Your pussy isn’t sweet or sour; IT’S SALTY! You're not a sweet waif or a total bad ass, just a chick with a primal taste for life. (And you know how that taste has a trickle down effect.) Part of it is genetics; you were just born this way. Part of it is the way you were raised; your momma didn’t raise no fool. But most of your taste comes from living life and learning the lessons along the way. (And despite what your worst enemy claims, your taste does not come from too many trips to the free clinic.) You might think your distinct, signature taste would scare most men off. Truth is, they love it. Every second of it. They eat it up. Which brings us back to the whole pussy thing. It's a tight little circle. Is *Your* Pussy Sweet or Sour? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Well, the truth hurts. It hurts because it's FUCKING DISGUSTING. I was once with a girl whose vagina tasted like Jolly Ranchers. True story. And in response to your next question, watermelon. I have a sore throught. I need to quite smoking. Again. Go for more than two weeks this time. It will kill me, but I am an even bigger bundle of random nervous energy when I don't smoke. Smoking keeps me from losing my damn mind. And due to school and other such existence things, I need to be calm. I have midterms this week. Suck. The U of I is fucking hard. Why did no one tell me this? All I heard was "It's a cake walk, don't even show up, they give you A's just for writing your name on slips of paper". Just kidding. About the second part. I think if I go to clubs and pretend to be gay, all the girl will want to switch me. Or all the guys will want to confirm me. Either way, party all night at Collin's place. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: The Cure - Disinegration (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
9:03 am	Collin loves everyone. If blogs are cool enough for Zach Braff to do one, so can I. You Are a White Cotton Bra! Practical, comfortable, and classic You want your man to feel relaxed and himself with you Your perfect guy is low maintenance and adaptable And he makes you feel comfy and cozy too! What Kind of Bra Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. Quiz Diva is the fucking shit and teh fucking shit is Quiz Diva. I like pretending to be a woman. Wow, that came out wrong. Am I a fag now? Ah, well, at least now I can get a job decorating shit and being obnoxious. Just kidding. I love gay people. Except for those annoying fucking faggots on Queer Eye. We need a new holocaust for people like that. I am a white cotton bra. As any of my ex girlfriends will tell you, I yell mommy while having sex. Also, I find whit cotton bra and panties sets sexy. Why did I tell you this? Why not? I got in an argument about politics the other night and I fucked up as usual by not actually asserting myself and half heartedly disagreeing with nothing to back it up. This other guy's point was that being conservative and liberal werre not opinions, but actually it was a fact that being liberal was correct and being conservative was wrong. He said to look through history and see. At times like these I wish I knew shit about fucking history. I brought up the cold war and he listed a bunch of numbers about the amount of nuclear weapons before and after Reagan. I just decided to start tap dancing or something. Politics are a bummer man. And then my roomate tried to say that the japanese had surrendered a week before we dropped the bomb on hiroshima. God bless my roommate, but he needs to read a book every now and then. I'm sorry, I don't really like the president, but i like to believe in the notion of personal responsibility and the human spirit overcoming the odds. I think social programs, for the most part, are shit because they try and make life fair, and trying to make life fair is a fools game. Plus i fucking hate michael moore. I have a literary agent now. He is, by a considerable margin, the weirdest human being I have ever met. I do love him. I don't know if he will ever get me published anywhere, but ah well. He demanded no money up front, just ten percent of everything I get. Yes I am trying not to get scammed. Sim City 2000 is starting to piss me off. I build the power plant and I build teh water pumps. It says that the people wnat industrial, I build industrial, noone moves in. Life and Sim City 200 are not fair, and boo fucking hoo. This is fun. I should do this blog shit more often. I was looking through a pornographic magazine the other day and came upon a giant pull out poster which was just a close up of a vagina. I immediately thought to myself, I don't really wanna masterbate to something that looks like it came out of a medical textbook. People need to eat more grahmn crackers. My kitty cat is quite possibly the most adorable creature on god's green earth. She likes to attack garbage. She truly believes that she is two pounds of fury. She is a lion in the shape of a baby calico kitten. She will terrorize you all and end your world. My god, I've become talking on the internet about his cat. Current Mood: quixotic Current Music: Radiohead - The Bends (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
8:08 pm	Collin's Vague Ramblings - Volume 22 Collin's Vague Ramblings The Ongoing Diary Of Collin A. Bullock ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- created by Collin A. Bullock written by Collin A. Bullock & The spawn of Gene Shalit and Robin Williams (I will never get all the hair out of my couch!) edited by Shannon Komisky & Matthew O'Neal ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knowledge is happiness, because to have knowledge—broad, deep knowledge—is to know true ends from false, and lofty things from low. To know the thoughts and deeds that have marked man’s progress is to feel the great heart-throbs of humanity through the centuries; and if one does not feel in these pulsations a heavenward striving, one must indeed be deaf to the harmonies of life. - Helen Keller, "The Story Of My Life" (1903) If you're like me, then you have people coming up to you all the time and asking you the same two questions. "Why are you wearing no clothes", and "does that thing actually work". Well, the answer to both of these questions is a good, solid punch in the face. But, unfortunately, certain people disagrees with my handling of this particular problem. And my penchant for both random nudity and random violence has gotten me into a heap of a problem with good old uncle sam. Also, the government is angry with me. I don't know why I mentioned my good old uncle, Samuel T. Bullock. Oh yeah, I remember why: To make a lame joke. So the government threatened to put me in jail since I exposed myself to little girls, and exposed the little girls to having their teeth punched in. But me being me, and wanting to be able to sit down at some point in the near future, decided that prison was not ideal. So I pleaded with judge and eventually, after convincing him that I could the use the amazing power of the written word to make a difference in the world, he decided that he could forgo a lofty prison sentence for me if I agreed to a stoning in town square. Then he realized there was no town square, and then I realized that he wasn't actually a judge, just the janitor. Then the real judge said that I could work off my prison sentence by doing community service. And a large part of that community service, in fact second only to cleaning the latrines at the public swimming pool, is to help try and educate all of you people, the huddled masses, desperately trying to gain warmth from the flickering light coming out of this strange "color box" you see before you. Hey fellas, it ain't gonna work. Get a job! So, anyway, what I plan to teach you all about is a logic puzzle. It is called Newcomb's paradox. Newcomb was a pyschiatrist in the mid sixties. A lot more is known about him, but none of it is known by me. So, let's move on. Newcomb's paradox goes a little something like this: There is a famous psychiatrist who wants you to be a part of her brand new experiment. She is a quite eccentric, but she is also brilliant and, more importantly, she wealthy. She promises you quite a bit of money for very little work, and all you have to do is to come to her office downtown. So you get to her office, and hop into the first elevator. Before it even starts going up, a bright light pours into the room. It disorients you for a second, but the elevator starts moving. You figure it's just a part of her undoubtedly bizarre experiment. So you get to her office and a voice coming out of a intercom tells you to sit down at the table in front of you. On this table are two boxes. One is clear, so you can see inside perfectly. The other box is opaque, so you can't see anything inside of it. Inside of the first box, you can see a thousand dollars. The voice comes out of the intercom again and tells you this: "In front of you are two boxes. As you can see, the first box has one thousand dollars. The second box could either have one million dollars or nothing. Now, you can walk out of here with either box, or both boxes, or no boxes, or whatever you choose." You get up to immediately grab boxes, when the voice on the intercom adds one more little touch. "One more thing. Earlier, when you were in the elevator, a machine I just invented read your mind. This machine can tell everything about a person, and will tell me what decision they will make in any given situation. This machine is right nine hundred and ninety nine times out of a thousand. It has told me what you will choose. And so, if you are going to pick the second box only, then I have put a million dollars in it. But if you are going to take both boxes, then I put no money in the second box." You think about this for a second, and then immediately get up to take both boxes. But then something strikes. An argument strikes you that seems to go against taking both boxes. What occurs to you is this: There are two boxes in front of you, and what is in them in definite. You cannot change, at this point, what is in the two boxes. So, look at it this way. If the second box has nothing in it, and you take both boxes, you get more than you would have if you had just taken the second box. And if the second box has a million dollars in it, and you take both boxes, you get more than you would if you only took the second box. So, no matter what you do, it seems that the smartest thing to do is to take both boxes. So you take both boxes. You get only one thousand dollars, as the second box is empty. A few minutes later, another person comes in and does the same experiment. Except, he chooses to do what is the most illogical, he takes only the second box. He gets a million dollars. A few days later, you are driving along on the little bike you got with your one thousand dollars, and the guy who went after you drives past in his new Porsche, splashing water all over you. And you say, through gritted teeth, "at least I did the reasonable thing." So, here we have a paradox, because what seems like the most reasonable and logical argument is, in fact, not the most lucrative decision. Anyway, that's all I have to teach you guys. So, uh, now I have to pick litter off the highway, so have a nice day. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 12th, 2003
1:38 pm	Collin's Vague Ramblings - Volume 21 created by Collin A. Bullock written by Collin A. Bullock & Bob Ross, only he's REALLY pissed off edited by Shannon Komisky & Matthew O'Neal -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head. - Eric Hoffer, "Reflections On The Human Condition" (1973) Constantly people are coming up to me and telling me what to write. And by constantly, I mean about twice a week. And usually it's the same person. But I'm a man of little patience, and it still pisses me off. I don't understand why people feel that they must tell me what to write about. It's like they just feel that I like them. No. I hate you readers. All of you. Yeah, even you. I hate you. Don't stare at the screen like that! Wipe off your cheek, you have mustard there. Your fly is unzipped. I hate you. Of course, as much as I hem and I haw about how I hate you people for telling me what to write, I kind of wish you people had done it a little more before I sat down to write this column. You see, I have no idea what to write about. Nothing. My mind is an entirely blank slate right now. I try to think of idea, ways to fill it, but nothing works. I went onto random bizarre pornography sites, that didn't work. I read some truly awful anime fan fiction, that did nothing. I watched late night infomercials for several hours, and aside from giving me an erection for reasons I can't explain, it really did nothing. Inspiration is funny like that. Sometimes it can hit you out of nowhere, or sometimes it can just slowly creep up on you. Or, apparently, it can sometimes just pack it's bags and go visit it's girlfriend in another state, leaving you fucking high and dry with nothing but your dick in your hands and, unfortunately, your dick don't write no columns. I just wanna please you people. That's all. And I'm sorry that I can't. I'm sorry that I can't write a column. I wish I could. I wish I could deliver onto you a couple of pages of laughs, tears, and insights, but I just can't. I'm a loser, a big stinking loser, with poo for brains. POO!!! I HAVE FUCKING POO WHERE MY BRAINS SHOULD BE!!! DON'T YOU ALL REALIZE HOW BAD THIS IS!!! Oh, now look what you made me do. Now I've gone and started screaming at you. I'm sorry I did that. I am, however, not sorry for saying I hate all of you. Some things just have to be said, and as much as I hate to be the one who has to say them, I will not denounce my job when it comes my way. Okay, I was lying. I really am sorry that I said I hate all of you. It's not true. I'm just under so much stress. You see, I have to finish this column soon or gangsters will come and break my legs. I have bet a whole bunch of money that I don't have on a losing horse, and now I'm in over my head. So I hired this typist to help write everything I say so that I can get the column finished in time so I can sell it for a boat load of cash, and pay off the gangsters. But I couldn't have counted on the typist being so beautiful, and now I'm falling in love with her. I think I will ask her to marry me. (Hi guys! This is me, the typist! Did you hear what he just said! He's gonna marry me. It's a good thing too, because I'm at least seventy five percent sure that the baby is his!) Okay, I made that all up. There is no typist. And if I don't write this column soon, I'm not gonna have my legs broken. I might have my nose chopped off and force fed to me, but that really has nothing to do with gambling debts, and more to do with this family of inbred hillbillies I pissed off. Okay, I made that up too. I'm sorry. I just need something to write about. I have nothing! I'm forced to make up random bullshit. Actually, that's what I do for just about every issue, but now I'm getting worse at it. I don't know what to do. I could... I will.... Uh.... Okay, I have decided what to do. I will simply write down the ingredients on the bag of M & M's I have in front of me: Sugar, chocolate, cocoa butter, skim milk, milk fat, lactose, soy lecithin, salt, artificial flavors, cornstarch, corn syrup, gum acacia, and artificial colors. Damn it, that won't work! I've got nothing. I guess I just have to admit defeat. Sorry guys. I've failed you for real this time. But it's really all your fault. If you had just been a better audience, maybe paid more attention and donated more money, I wouldn't have run out of inspiration. Oh, who the hell do I think I'm kidding. The reason there is no column this week is because I'm a big fat failure. I screwed up big time, and I should stop trying to pass the buck. So, until next week (when you'll actually get a column, I swear) keep the love flowing. - Collin A. Bullock (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 19th, 2003
9:56 am	Collin's Vague Ramblings - Volume 20 created by Collin A. Bullock written by Collin A. Bullock & The cool, hip, monkey who jumped into his truck one day and who now goes on cross country adventures with him. edited by Shannon Komisky & Matthew O'Neal -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anger kills both laughter and joy. What greater foe is there than anger? - The Sacred Book Of Kural I am not a particularly easy man to irritate. Usually I stay pretty calm, all things considered. I just let things slide off me, without thinking too much about them. Want to insult me? Fine. Want to sing loudly around me? I'm cool. Want to pour sugar in my gas tank? I hope you have fun. Want to anally rape my mother and force me to watch at knife point? Go to it, and good luck. But, despite my almost Buddha like good nature, even I can sometimes be made to, well...have that less than fresh feeling. Sometimes, usually when I either most or least expect it, something can just get under my skin and make we want to collide a plane full of nuns into a bus full of baby seals. I think we're all like that sometimes. At least, I assume we are. We all have little things that bug us somewhere deep down in our souls. I think this theory explains school shootings. These kids didn't watch the wrong movies or listen to the wrong records, someone was just cracking their knuckles very loudly in bowling class that morning. So, in order to shed more light on the massacre that I intend to inflict on the orphanage attached to the old folks home, here is a list of things that annoy me: 1. INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY - Not that I'm against the actual porn itself, mind you. I would be fine if, when I wanted to see pictures of people having sex, I could find pictures of people having sex. I'm good with that. But, unfortunately, some people just have to queer up the deal by having fucked up desires, which is cool. But then they have to share these desires. You know, if I click on a link that tells me I'll get pictures of two consenting adults doing the nasty, I don't wanna see a fat chick getting fucked by a horse. Why must the internet attract AND enable sex fiends? Oh yeah, because it's the internet. Duh. 2. LITTLE GIRLS WHO DRESS IN A WAY THAT WOULD VLADIMIR NABOKOV FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE - I have a little sister who is eight years old. The other day she asks me to take her to the pool. So I say yes, and we go to just the local pool where I used to hang out as a child. I swear to fucking christ, the girls there who were no older than my sister were wearing outfits that would make R. Kelly vomit. Why, dear god why, do we live in culture where we feel a need to make little children into sexual beings. Sure, I like young women too, but I usually prefer to be attracted to them AFTER they start menstruating. God, some fucking people. 3. HIPPIES - But, really, how can you hate a hippie? I mean, they're a group of people whose life centers around trying to make people act nicer to each other. It seems impossible to really dislike them. But consider this: They're obnoxious, and they smell awful, they have a stupid, shallow, unrealistic, and oversimplified belief system, and most of them live off their parents while preaching against the evils of consumerism. I mean, how can you really trust someone who goes around saying how much better the world would be if everyone listened to Phish? "The world is evil man, but Trey and the boys will fix your ills!" You know what, fuck you! I like the world. Well, large parts of it. Hippies are those guys in high school who smoked a lot of pot and who had girls hanging off them because they were "radical". Now they're old and poor and pathetic. Plus, they eat a lot. You ever fucking see a hippie at a buffet? Those motherfuckers are taking all the food. Plus, they fuck a lot. So I believe that if we kill all the hippies, then that kid who lives in Ethiopia, and who will invent the cure for cancer someday, won't have to starve to death due to to the millions of little hippie children eating all the Funnions. 4. RAP METAL BANDS - Yeah, my dad didn't buy me a pony either Mr.. Durst. Grow the fuck up. 5. JUNK MAIL - Now, despite the fact that I'm an honored and respected internet journalist, I still have the same problems as most of you. And one of those problems is that awful lonely feeling you get when you check your e-mail and realize that no one has sent you anything for several weeks. This feeling sucks. But the internet, the grand dame that she is, has decided to throw a new cog into the machine of online loneliness. Now, when you check your inbox, it tells you that you have seventeen new messages. Score! I'm loved! Then you check it and realize that the only people who seem to want to send you messages are all concerned with helping you get a real estate license, or get a mini hidden camera, or make your penis bigger. You know, I hate real estate, I'm not a peeping tom, and I'm fucking happy with the size of my penis. Of course, what calms me down is the amusement I get realizing that someone, somewhere, actually buys this shit. At least I'm better than that guy. 6. COMPUTERS - I can think of very few things that can drive me as fucking homicidal as quickly as computers can. People try and argue with me and say that computers are as obnoxious only because they do EXACTLY what you tell them to, even if you don't mean it. That's why they shut off because you pressed the "q" button. That's why they start flashing bright colors because you tried to open a document. That's why it explodes when you press the "on" switch. Yeah, sure, whatever. They're like an annoying second grader who takes everything you say literally, and then won't talk to you when you yell at him. And just like that small child, I have thrown my computer into a lake. And I don't regret it for a second. I type this all out on an old Steno typewriter. It's the life! Except the paper jams, and the ink runs out, and...what? "System download error"? Typewriters can't have system download errors. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 7. EXCESSIVE CURSING - Curse words are beautiful things. They can kiss you like a lover, smile at you like a baby, and rape your puckering virgin asshole like a cellmate serving twenty five to life. They're great, but so many people are using them in the wrong context, and making them less special. You can't just walk around all day screaming "Fuck my dirty brown hole, you shit-licking, donkey-fucking, cock-sucking, mother-fucking, motherfucker." You can only curse some of the time. You only curse when it's necessary, which is about eighty seven percent of the time. The rest of the time, just use words like "truck" and "spit" to give the illusion of cursing, without the nasty side effects. 8. UNNECESSARILY GAY PEOPLE - You wanna have sex with people of your own gender? Fine. I don't only condone it, I encourage it. Less competition for me. But here is what pisses me off: When people act FAR too gay. You know the type of people I'm talking about. The kind who wear rainbow suspenders, and continually talk about how "boring" and "biology friendly" your choices are. Listen, motherfucker, I like fucking the OPPOSITE gender, you like fucking the same gender. Great. Hell, I don't even mind if you talk to me about. It could make for interesting discussion. But don't try to "gay it up" around me. Who the fuck are you trying to prove. I have no reason to doubt that you like fucking your own gender, so don't over do it. And, also, don't try to convince me to join your side. I like vaginas. End of conversation. 9. FARTS - We all fart. I know this. The most attractive woman you've ever met? She's ripped some big ones. I accept this fact. But people are always fucking being so open about it, being so fucking PROUD of it. Why? It's fucking gross as hell. It smells bad, it sounds awful, and it makes everyone around you wretch. Don't fucking just be cool with it. Be uncomfortable! Be ashamed! You just made everyone around you disgusted, and you just sit there and smile and act like you're fine with it. Fuck you! I, for one, never fart. I had a surgery done on me in the late eighties, and it has closed off the tube that delivers gas to my rectum. Also, as a side effect of that surgery, if I wiggle my right ear, I ejaculate. It's unnerving. 10. ASSHOLE ONLINE COLUMNISTS WHO SPEND SEVERAL WEEKS ON VACATION, THEN COME BACK WITH A WHOLE COLUMN THAT'S JUST A SHITTY LIST - I say we kill the first person like this we find. Wishing you peace and happiness until the next time, this is the king of swing. - Collin A. Bullock (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 19th, 2003
9:54 am	Collin's Vague Ramblings - Volume 19 created by Collin A. Bullock written by Collin A. Bullock & His huge penis edited by Shannon Komisky & Matthew O'Neal -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin. - James Thurber, "Horn Book Magazine", 1962. I have been receiving a lot of hate and anger my way lately for a column I wrote. It was written a couple of weeks ago, and I thought it was great. The column was a simply endeavor, meant to show the world the genius of the goth poet. It seems that people completely misunderstood the point. My inbox was flooded with angry e-mails telling me how cruel and heartless I am. Here are excerpts from a few of them: "How the fuck do you think you can say these things about other people!" "Those people who you did a super shitty job making fun of could out-write you with both hands tied behind their back, in the dark, with their eyes closed." "Silhouette Of My Pain is a great piece of work. You only mock it because you don't get it!" "You probably have a small dick. Don't ya?" "I know what these poems are about. And so I am a better judge of them than you are. You're best at judging porn of people eating each other, because that's what you know!" "(the goth poets) are attempting to channel their suffering into art, and make other people feel that they are not alone. You would know nothing about this, as you sit up on high, feeling you are above these guys. Because you have an internet column NO ONE READS, you think that you can make fun of people who are actually artists" "Dude, you are a fucking ass. Don't mock my boyfriend, or my best friend's poetry to my face ever again, i wish you at least had tact, shit!" "You just plain suck!" Yes, a lot of bad karma has been directed my way since I published that article. Apparently, despite all the other obnoxious and mean things I write every week, there's something about goth poetry that just makes people become very defensive. Or it might have something to do with my sending the column to several friends and family members of the poets I was mocking. I don't know, but obviously, I really screwed up big time. So, on behalf of us all here at Collin's Vague Ramblings, I would just like to offer a sincere and honest apology. What I did was wrong, and cruel, and I just made myself look the worse for it. I'm hoping that, maybe, you can find it in yourself to forgive me, for believing that I could pick on other human beings who just want to express their feeling. Oh, and one more thing...PSYCH!!!! Got ya! I ain't sorry for shit, biatch! Those poems were funny as fuck, I know it, you know it, and you can lie all you want about "inner beauty" and "great auras", but the fact is THE POETRY SUCKS! It is awful. I would re-print it to remind you, but then I would have to actually look at it again, which would make me suddenly desire to eat my brains. I mean, seriously here people, just look at the fucking poems. I mean, they're seventh grade nonsense, written by idiots who have visions of a diseased world because girls won't talk to them. What the fuck is that about? I mean, come on, girls wouldn't talk to me in high school, but you didn't see me writing any awful poems about it. Mainly because I wrote all my awful poetry in the privacy of my dark bedroom. Then I forced it on people later. Okay you've caught me. I'm just being a hypocrite. In the end I am just like those that I mock. I, like everyone else, have problems that I need to work out, and expressing one's self creatively is a great way to do that. I feel sad at things, and my making fun of these goth poets is just a way of expressing my own insecurity at feeling vulnerable. Really, by trying to make myself feel better by putting these poets down, I'm offering judgments of them, and that's just wrong. As the good book says "Judge not, lest ye be judged". By mocking their sincere artistic expression, I just managed to show how dumb I was. And so, for being so inconsiderate of their feelings, I would genuinely like to apologize to the poets I mocked. Sorry guys. No, really, I'm serious this time. Don't expect me to go back on my word, I'm really very sorry. Sincerely. Genuinely. Honestly. Okay, I'm lying. I'm not really sorry at all. I was just trying to say apologize so that people would stop sending me angry letters. But really, who gives a fuck? I mean, it's obvious that I am, in fact, better than these people. I will judge them and they will judge me, and in the end it will be revealed that I am the greatest writer who has ever lived, and they are a bunch of whiney kids who are angry that daddy didn't buy them a pony. I can claim to be superior to them all I want because, as we all know, I actually AM superior. In every way. I am a god among men. They are insects beneath me. You all know that I am the ultimate being here. You all have desires to bow down and worship me, but you refuse it because you are terrified of my raw power. Well, all I can say is...I AM KLANDATHU, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! TREMBLE BEFORE ME! Of course I should also note that, while I got a lot of negative mail from people who apparently think I'm the worst thing since cancer decided that going to the crotch was a great career move, I also received a lot of mail from people telling me that they got it. They understood that I was just doing my job, which is to be funny. I was just joking, and I wasn't really trying to hurt anyone. I was just kidding around, and no one should have taken it as personally as they did. Well, I would just like to say one thing to all you people who feel this way...You're dead wrong! My intention was never to simply "kid around". My goal was always to hurt the goth poets. To make them run crying home to mommy. You see, I hate them. Yeah, you heard me. Everything I said in that column was meant to be taken 100% literally. I want all those goth poets dead. When the streets of america run red with the blood of the goth poet, then I will finally be a happy man. Every breath those wastes of egg and sperm take is a personal affront to me. But, of course, I do not want this taken to mean "if you kill these people, you will make your personal savior Collin happy". I would want it to be taken this way, but if I do, and one of you crazy motherfuckers do kill them, then I am legally responsible. So, don't kill them. Just break their fingers, so they can't write any more poetry. But, even though I enjoy ripping these writers a new corn chute, I would actually like to thank these goth poets. Really, I would. Because, you see, before I read their material, I thought that I was the worst poet that had ever been cursed to walk god's semi-green earth. But it turns out that, relatively, I'm T.S. Freaking Eliot baby. And, you know, that makes me feel warm inside. So, bidding you goodbye for the time being (and hoping you write me plenty of letters), this your personal savior. - Collin A. Bullock (Comment on this)